Still, i'm NOT a FAILURE!

Thursday June 11, Miza wrote on her FB’s wall that our examination result will be announced at 5.30 p.m. I was getting very nervous. Last semester, I got 3.47 and for this semester I believe that my result will drop again. Deep inside my heart, I do hope that the miracle will happen. Yeah, I couldn’t answer well but still, I hope for the best.

Subjek last semester sangat2 susah especially Malaysian Derivative. Futures, option, bond.. All those things make me sick! When should I invest, where should I invest, how should I invest… Arrrrrgggghhhh! It’s extremely difficult!

It is about 6p.m.when I was checking my examination result.My housemate, Pau was very excited because she passed all the subjects. I was very worried at that time. Repeat or not, it is not a matter but I wish there’s no C’s in my result.

My examination result turned as what I expected. From 3.87 during my 1st semester, my result dropped to 3.61 during my 2nd semester and 3.47 during my 3rd semester. And now, I only got 3.2! I was very frustrated. While my eyes kept looking at the laptop screen, my tears were flowing slowly. Kenapa result saya makin teruk? I’ve tried my best but then… Sangat2 sedey!

Then, saya log in YM dengan status “looking 4 Ita”. At this difficult moment, I really need someone to talk with. Dan seseorang itu pastinya bukan mak saya. Saya xnak mak saya turut sama kecewa dengan result saya. Dia kecewa, saya lagi kecewa!

Pada Ita, saya luahkan segalanya. Betapa kecewanya saya dengan result exam saya tu. Ita katakan pada saya, pasti ada hikmah di sebalik apa yang berlaku. Kadang-kadang saya jadi bosan. Saya penat dengan percaturan hidup. Jika benar ada hikmah di sebalik apa yang berlaku, apa sebenarnya hikmah di sebalik kegagalan saya ni? Saya tercari-cari sendiri. Kadang-kadang saya jadi malu dengan diri sendiri. I have no idea about my ambition, my vision, my dream… It is not like me. I lost myself! Now, I’m just an ordinary person with no specialty in me. Saya xtaw apa yang saya cari dalam hidup saya.. Seriously, this is not SITI NURQIMAH! OMG, I missed my old me. Saya nak diri saya yang dulu..=’(

Telling you this, I used to be an ambitious person who lived with a million of dreams. I always saw myself in a positive way. Since I was in childhood, I always believed that one day I could be “someone” that would make my parents proud of. When talked about ambition, I’ll proudly tell myself that I’m going to be a lawyer. Just a lawyer! A very successful lawyer. I really couldn’t imagine what my future is except by being a lawyer.

>future lawyers<

Frankly speaking, I’m not good in memorizing. In fact, instead of taking Biology I rather chose Principal Account. I graded with flying colors by awarded as a best student for Principal Account’s subject. Unbelievable, right? Hehe.. I realized that I may have hidden talent in that area but unfortunately, my passion is to do law.

Just as I wish, in 2006 I started my foundation in law study. Studying criminal and civil cases, learning about Malaysian law, experimenting about others psychology.. That’s awesome! I do love law. However, the greatest weakness in me is I’m poor in memorizing. Even I love studying law, memorizing all the cases as well as the application really torturing me. Yet, I still struggled and struggled till it turned out to be a nightmare for me.

>our graduation<

There have been times in my life when I went through difficult period involving a lot of changes. It might be ending of a romantic relationship, experiencing the death of someone I care about, some misfortune and so on so forth. But for me, the most difficult time I ever experienced is involving my studies which strongly related to my ambition as well as my vision and mission in my life.

I was growing to be a lawyer, enjoying my study with my ‘law’ friends, practicing the corporate ethic, enhancing my communication skills but then, God really teased me. I didn’t have the qualification to further my degree in law. The fact is really painful. I was in pain. I lost my self-believe, feeling like I’m going to end my life. I lost my hope, I lost everything. I felt so down. It was even worse than broke up with boy friend. My ambition, my vision, it was all gone. I kept crying and crying. At that moment, my voice is a silence. Nobody heard it. Only tears flow, expressing my disappointment, my pain, my sorrow.. It was dreadfully tough for me to make up myself again. Almost day I kept blaming myself. Kalaulah saya belajar rajin-rajin.. Kalaulah saya tak main-main.. Kalaulah…Kalaulah… Dan bermacam-macam kalaulah lagi…

Sungguh, saya betul-betul putus harapan. Malu nak jumpa kawan-kawan, sedara-mara dan yang paling penting, malu dengan diri sendiri! Saya seolah-olah lupa dengan takdir Illahi. Berhari-hari saya nangis, meratapi nasib diri. Bangun dari tidur, terus nangis. Air mata macam air sungai, langsung tak nak berhenti. Saya ingat lagi time 2, saya call Jena. Dia terkejut sebab pagi2 lagi saya call and paling dia terkejut bila saya tak henti-henti menangis. Saya kira, sayalah yang paling malang. Saya malu dengan kawan-kawan. Rabbit dapat study kat US, Ita kat Jepun, Faten kat Indon, Kila ngan dental, Put ngan fast track Accounting, PQ ngan Accounting tp saya??? Apa yang saya ada? I’m no longer a law student!

Kila send me a msg..

ALLAH answers prayers in 3 ways…

1) He says YES and gives u what u want

2) He says NO and gives u something better

3) He says WAIT and gives u the best in his own time

Kila bagi taw saya, dulu saya pernah send msg ni kat dia tym dia down gler ngan result SPM dia. She said she believe in ALLAH. And now, she was offered a place to study in dental! Saya tumpang gembira untuk dia. A year before, dia mengadu pada saya tentang kekecewaan dia. She was very upset because she didn’t get straight A’s for her SPM. Tapi sekarang dia dah buktikan betapa dia pon boleh berjaya.

Lepas dapat msg 2, barulah saya dapat berfikir dengan menggunakan akal fikiran. Alangkah cetek nya iman saya! Betapa berdosa nya saya sebab x redha dengan apa yang berlaku. Betapa rapuh nya keyakinan saya terhadap Sang Pencipta. Ampunilah hambaMu ini Ya ALLAH! Ampunilah aku, berkatilah aku dan rahmatilah aku..

I read the msg again. “He says NO and gives something better”. Then, I realized that all the things happened must have the reasons lie on it. After that, I told myself that the failure is not the end of life, but it is the first step for me to success. That failure is a valuable experience for me and I assume it as part of learning process to be more perseverance in my life. I’m the one who will determine the path over there. Actually, failing to further degree in law is not a real failure but, the greatest failure would tie me if I gave up at that moment.

After that, I started my degree in a new field. Bachelor of Business Administration (Hons) Finance. I started from “damn” zero knowledge and skill without any specific ambition. I didn’t set any ambition yet, just letting myself to follow with the flow. The most important thing is I want to escape from a small dark room that I used to lock myself there. I want to struggle for my new life to stand together with others. I whispered to myself… “:if this is the worst part of my life, then after this I wish everything will be better…” I do really want to forget all those bad things and blow away the saddest song in my life.

I’m still in the recovering stage. 2 years period can’t fully cure my pain. In these 2 years, I always told myself that Finance might be the best platform for me to be a successful person. This is the best for me to get rid of sadness moment in my life. I always believe that He would give me something better but now, I was disappointed again. I fell again during my recovering process.

What should I do? Apa lagi yang saya perlu lakukan untuk pujuk hati saya? Apa lagi yang perlu saya bisikkan pada diri saya tentang hikmah di sebalik kegagalan ni? Apa lagi yang perlu saya katakan pada diri saya bahawa ALLAH pasti akan memberikan sesuatu yang terbaik untuk saya? Apa lagi yang perlu saya buat untuk meyakinkan diri saya bahawa saya tetap yang terbaik? Apa lagi..??? Semangat saya benar-benar rapuh! Hilang!

Saya x nak jadi lemah. Saya mesti kuat. My journey is still long. I have 1 year left before finishing my degree. So, I’ll use this 1 year to push up myself to the maximum. Walaupun sekarang saya bukan lagi SITI NURQIMAH yang bercita-cita tinggi dan sering melakar mimpi, namun saya tetap ingin menjadi SITI NURQIMAH yang tidak mudah mengalah dan melatah tidak kira apa jua yang berlaku pada diri saya. Saya ingin menjadi SITI NURQIMAH yang kental semangatnya. Dan kerana itu, saya akan bangkit kembali. Apa sangatlah keputusan peperiksaan saya kalau nak dibandingkan dengan kegagalan saya suatu masa dahulu. Kegagalan lalu saya jadikan satu pengalaman berharga untuk diri saya agar dapat menjadi seseorang yang lebih tabah. Dan pencapaian exam saya yang menurun ini akan saya jadikan pembakar semangat untuk saya lebih berusaha dan berjaya pada semester akan datang!

In the past I used to be such a good Accounting student, but now I would be an excellent Finance student. That’s what I believe now and that is what I see myself as. This is not just a promise but I’ll prove it with my fullest efforts. The most important thing is MY SELF-IMAGE IS NOT WHO I AM BUT RATHER WHO I THINK I AM. At this moment, I view myself as a successful Finance student that will be somebody in my future. Hopefully!